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What would Hassie masa have done?

Memories on Facebook today took me to this…

Exactly 8 days after my mum called and said “Deepa is outside and daddy won’t open the door”

There’s this thing that happens when you lose a parent, you just know it’s happened before they give you “The News”, a part of you becomes hollow, it’s a feeling in your heart where you can physically feel a part of who you are is gone, and it’s true, the three of us are completely different people since that day.

I Don’t remember much else about that time, but 7 years later, we are happy, the empty is still empty yet the memory runs so strong….

What would daddy have said if he saw this?

Do you remember when Hassie Masa played this song every single day as he drove us to tuition?

He would have been so angry if he saw this…

… every single days goes by this way, we live vicariously through our memory and through the stories everyone tells as they remember him.

So how will it ever be normal again?

It never will, but we lived through the storm and learnt to dance in the rain 🙂

A tribute to a man who taught me how to pour a beer with perfection, who worked hard at making it right again when it was all wrong, and who, even after leaving us, still teaches me my lessons through the little things he’s left behind and the memories that makes us happy, sad and laugh a lot.

Love him always ❤️

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Grapples of an over-thinker!

By the time December hits every year, I always take some time to review what the year had been. I always say that it helps to have a bird’s-eye view on the past 12 months and raise, what I believe, are all the mandatory questions pertaining to my growth i.e where was I last year? Have I progressed in any way? What am I still struggling with and how am I going to go forward into the new year?

As I read the round ups of 2014 and 2015, the only description I can come with is “THE GREAT MASSACRE” as I cut out toxic relationships, left work, made incredible career changes, threw out many insecurities and began a new chapter of actually liking who I have become, instead of dwelling on all my faults. Of course, there are certain insecurities from childhood that still exist, yet for the most part, I am happy with my progress.

It is quite late to do another round-up now, however I could not write one earlier, as between November last year and now, I was not in a good space at all, uninspired and exhausted, fact is, I am only really feeling like myself again today, after a rather long time.

Thankfully, after 2 silence courses, lots of meditation, good friends and a splash of wine, my mind has finally cleared this week and I know what it was, that was bugging me all along… Unfortunately I had channeled all that frustration on the wrong person, but I have hopefully done enough, in efforts to earn some forgiveness 😉

I love posting positivity on the internet, things that inspire me, and perhaps make someone else feel good on a bad day, I therefore only write once I have figured out what my lesson is or once I have overcome whatever it is that was bugging me.

Last night I had dinner with my best friend, as we spoke about life and where we are at now, everything just fell into place in my head. We don’t realise how therapeutic it is, to spend some time with a person who knows you better than you know yourself, a person whose energy content is more positive than negative and most importantly a person who will make the time to listen, advise and even smack some sense into you… Not literally of course!

After that conversation and from everything that I have been through in my life, if you know my story, you know it has been a really tough ride, in comparison to my peers, I can say that…

In life, it is absolutely imperative, to count your blessings over what you lack, be it materialistic, spiritual, emotional or anything else, because once you dive into a cycle of lack, for some reason, we as humans, have an ability to throw ourselves into such a dull space, just by over thinking, creating horrible scenarios in our minds and focussing on all the irrelevant aspects of our existence.

Life can be really beautiful, yet we can completely ruin it within seconds, just because we cannot…or refuse to control where we allow our minds to wonder off to. This is also the result of having too much time on our hands!

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Plan for 2017: Stay focussed, get busy again, spend time with positive people, eat yummy food, go to pretty places, keep working hard and most importantly count my blessings, because, even through the tough times, in all 31 years, I have always been taken care of 🙂

Sometimes we just need a little affirmation…

2 days in Frankfurt 🙂

There’s an awareness that I develop as I embark on an independent travel venture. I am more alert, a tad sensitive to my new surroundings and since I have, once again, pushed myself out of my comfort zone, I somewhat adopt a more serious stance…

The beauty of this is that I am totally cognizant of all the little details of life which we overlook on a daily basis, I hear every single sound as I walk through the streets, I can feel the freedom of a bird as I watch it glide through the air, I have a better appreciation of the sun kissed water as it flashes out a gold sparkle and ofcourse my favorite of all… the characters I encounter as I move along.

This is only the second time that I have shifted seasons all by myself and both times I stand at the airport, bags in hand, waiting for a train or taxi and asking myself the same question… “What on earth were you thinking, doing this by yourself?”

I often can see the judgement in the eyes of people who listen to my next venture in life, those who have never and probably will never understand how refreshing it is to do something new and perhaps by yourself too. It’s not that I lack friends, it’s not that I don’t have a family who’ll come with me, it could be that sometimes friends and family get a bit too much for me, but it’s definitely a soulful experience, accompanied by an inexplicable freedom and zest for life.

So here’s me and my huge heavy hard case about to take 3 different trains to get to where I needed to go, still a little cranky from a 10 hour long flight, next to a woman who took her seat as well as half of mine, leaving me with Zero nap time on the plane as my psychology shall not accept the fact that her shoulder is always brushing up against mine… mind you, if it was a he and a hot he, I might not have minded… but it was a she, a she with a big shoulder that needed it’s own seat and a thick blanket over that shoulder which took up more space… I pride myself on being that short girl on the plane with no leg room  problems, able to pull off a perfect cross legged seated position and sleep ever so comfortably, little did I know that a shoulder could be a problem or that a shoulder needed it’s own seat…

3 trains followed by a short drive and a few friends made along the way, I finally found myself in the place that is now home for the next few days. As we drove through a little town and up a windy route making our way up a mountain, surrounded by pure white frosted grass, I could feel an energy shift already, I couldn’t wait to get out and feel what it is that’s outside that car window.

Luggage put away, a quick lunch and ofcourse a new friend is all I needed to fuel up a hike out in the freezing cold forest. We walked through a path which we eventually left behind as we drifted off and climbed higher and higher, then winded down in a new direction,  2 hours later found ourselves completely lost in between the greens, feeling the quiet that it was, finding a little bit of sun in between the icy cold, allowing it to warm our noses, and in absolute  appreciation of the fact that, in life, some of us are lucky enough to not be too caught up in what some call reality, and to be able to make a decision to step away from life as we know it, in order to experience something new…

Ever since that, every experience I’ve had, every conversation that’s added value to my life and every new person I’ve met has made me realise that the decision to come here by myself was a correct one.

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Kenya in about 500 words

I have always thought of myself as a flexible human being, one who can adapt to any situation and get along with most people, and I definitely know that I am not a high maintenance kinda gal!!!

KENYA, however, has taught me a few valuable lessons, as travelling usually does…

On an average trip I come back with a new insight of who I am, I learn from the people I meet and study a different way of life as I immerse myself into a culture of what the country actually is.

The last 4 weeks has been different, I sit here physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted after 4 weeks of  intense work, moving apartments about 3 times, being shuffled in and out of offices all day while trying to keep up with an almost impossible deadline and then of course squeezing in an occasional sightseeing trip to make the working week feel a little lighter. It’s as though I voluntarily jumped onto a rocky ship and allowed myself to be thrown around based on other peoples flawed decisions, but this isn’t a ship and nature isn’t  causing this, which means that I did not have to accept it, and that is where my lesson comes in, at the risk of sounding like a drama queen to my new collegues, I had to stand my ground, develop boundaries and be strong enough to stick to it. To my surprise, this lead to better friendships and more respect at work.

I also felt antsy about the fact that, there is no line drawn between work and home while on a work trip, we all live close to each other and it’s become, as one of my colleagues put it, a melrose place type of set up. You become a family, and it’s a typical situation of “You can’t choose family” I have encountered various energies here, so it took some time to pick my crowd. These are the people you work with, these are the people you hang with after hours and as much fun as it is, I miss that line that I typically keep between work and home. Thankfully I get along with most, so I choose where I’d like to be, either a movie with the girls, a weekend away in the bush with a spiritual connection (always meet one of those when I travel), live music nights with the boys or a salsa night by myself to feed my soul, dance and meet other Kenyans…

I think I have made this place a home after the rocky start that it was.

Kenya on the whole is a beautiful place, there is a constant buzz through the streets, sometimes hard to fall asleep as the Matatu’s drive by, however I feel safe here, the people are much more humble then we are in South Africa, I am yet to find a dish that I don’t like, and I have to mention the super fast wifi!!!

My Lesson: No matter how toxic an environment you walk into is, it is important to come with your own light, and never allow anyone to dim that spark. Know who you are, nurture that person and never be afraid to show it, so that no matter where in the world you end up, you will always attract your own tribe.

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The little brown box…

Within the core of every human spirit lies a dream, a true passion for life yet the lack of determination, hard work and will power to actualise the dream overpowers the passion that lies within.

There is a box that exists, we as a human race have placed ourselves inside of this box, we do this for a few reasons; it provides a sense of security, a sense of comfort, a false sense of happiness and it is believed that if you escape this box, you will not survive the world outside of it. We therefore, stay here, follow the rules, listen to those we assume senior to us, keep pushing through this mundane routine and call it life. There is a name for this box, it is called our comfort zone.

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It is ok to have a comfort zone as long as you own it!

What I mean by this is, many people stay within what they know, because getting out is too difficult, people stay in abusive relationships because it’s too difficult to be alone, people can’t leave toxic work spaces because they believe that they need stability to survive this world, house wives who are unhappy, stick around because  the thought of having to be financially independent scares them, people leave high school and work at one company for years and years, never make a change and don’t know any better then to spend 9 hours of the day sucking up to their bosses so they can always be the “Teachers pet” even at work… All of these people have no control over their lives, victims of their own creation! Little toy soldiers in the palm of their abusers hand!

I have a box too, but my box isn’t the place where I work, it isn’t the home in which I live in, it isn’t the people who I love, it is the entire world, everyone who I have met and yet to meet! Can you imagine that? Being at ease and comfortable wherever you are in this world, having the ability and strength to get up leave every time someone even attempts to control your happiness and freedom instead of playing victim and punishing yourself?

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If you can imagine it, then you can live it, my advise to anyone is… If you are unhappy leave, if you believe in something, fight for it, if you don’t like your box find a new one, the bigger the box the more freedom you have, or better yet, throw the box away, if a person makes you unhappy, you have a choice to stay or leave, wherever you are at this point in time, is a result of a choice that you have made, and if you are unhappy with where you are right now, then it is time to make a different choice.

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23 Years ago, on this day!

18 April 1993, Kempton park, South Africa: I met a Princess 🙂

I was 7 years old, running through the corridors, as fast as I possibly could, pulling my dads hand to walk faster, the adrenaline was excessive, I couldn’t wait to see her. I had waited for this moment for far too long.

Then finally, after all those months of anticipation, laying under a blue light, in a little glass box, I got the first glimpse of one of the fattest, cutest most adorable babies that I had ever seen in my life, my sister was finally here!

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I feel like I was already a mum at the age of 7, I had a real life doll that I could play dress up with, feed her, bath her, make fountain pony-tails at the top of her head. I took hundreds of pictures of her; from her chilling in her pram, to the first day of school, trying to take action shots of her jumping off the couch in her soccer gear, yes she was a tom boy!!!

I will never forget the day that she learnt how to walk, I was so excited to show my dad. I waited all day for him to come back from work, as he opened the gate and made his way to the front door, I carried her, put her on her feet, ran back inside and peaked from behind the front door as she wobbled her way to my dad, who was ecstatic. Moments like those make my life.

This was also a defining moment for us, because after that day, the calm was invaded by a little hyper active creature that ran around 24/7, emptying cupboards, climbing everything, scribbling in my school books, accidentally dipping her foot in the cream tub and leaving a trail of tiny foot prints everywhere she went, eating my dads pills, visiting the neighbours without us knowing, leaving us worried sick because she was nowhere to be found, following me everywhere asking why, why why, why x 100… between the age of 2 and 12 I don’t remember a single day where she wasn’t full of mud and ready for her bath, it was so bad that we’d have to wash the bathroom after cleaning her up as she left line of mud across the bath tub after every bath time.

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As I write about the first few years of her life, leading up to today, 23 years later, I have realised that almost nothing has changed, we have just upgraded from fountain pony tails to different hair do’s that we find on the internet, I cried when she graduated from pre school and I will howl again when she graduates next year, not to mention, she is still the naughtiest kid in my dance class, because she knows she can AAAAANNDDDD she is still scary when she wakes up in the mornings; Don’t talk to her she will kill you… Don’t even smile at her, no eye contact, no conversation, just give her the tv remote and breakfast, once the tummy is full, you may attempt a “Good morning” 

I cannot imagine a life where she is not around, giving me advise, calling me out on the stupid things I do, laughing till our tummy hurts and also driving each other mad, it’s not always fun and games, our fights are real, I don’t think there is a single person on this planet who can make me as angry as she can… and vice versa!!!!

Truth be told, the tables have turned now, instead of me teaching her a few things, she has now become my voice of reason, my confidant, my best friend.

Sometimes full of nonsense, yet the owner of a strong spirit, a soft heart, and a kind soul. Happy birthday to my first-born. I been here all your life, and thanks to you, I have a pretty good idea of how I will raise my own children one day (No Sugar till highschool).

Love you muches little doodle RoKli Bums!

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Realisations while Beach Bumming!!!

So I spent all of last week at the beach, and because I don’t Beach often, I milked every moment of it. I spent hours in the sea, I had lunch everyday with the view of the sea, and the best part was, taking naps with the sound of the sea, it’s one of the most therapeutic ways to fall asleep.

Every-time I travel, I come back having learnt something new, either about myself, or from somebody new that I meet.

On the last evening of our holiday, I had decided, that after spending all week watching the sun sets at the shore, I wanted to, this time, be in the middle of the ocean as I watched the sun go down.

It was a bit nippy on that evening, so pretty much everyone was lazing about at the shore, for that moment I had the ocean all to myself, no bumping into anyone, no sounds of people, just me and the water. I laid afloat on my back as I watched the blue sky turn orange, an occasional bird flying across and enjoying a contrast of the warm ocean with a bit of an icy breeze hitting my nose, it was absolutely tranquil.

In that moment I had a flash back of my life about 3 years ago, when I was almost out of a 5 year-long relationship and I had realised that, as much as I was all by myself at that moment in the ocean, I was content, I was complete and fulfilled, yet 3 years ago, I was not alone, I had someone to love, yet the loneliness that enveloped my being at that time was intolerable.

Rebuilding myself in the last 3 years after that break up had been the toughest thing I ever had to go through in my life, but I have built such amazing relationships now, beautiful souls have walked into my life and aided my growth, the tears I cry now, are all tears of joy and no more of sorrow. I don’t feel that intense pain in my soul anymore, I don’t have that sick feeling in my core, the constant lump in my throat is gone, my energy is light again and I am free…

“Being alone is scary, but not as scary as feeling alone in a relationship.”

~Amelia Earheart