If you have read any of my previous blogs, you’ll know and understand that in the course of 3 years, I have gone through a mega metamorphoses. Every woman who has gone through a break up like mine would understand this transformation.
When you go through this kind of thing, you tend to meet people who have gone through similar ones and, and I have in this time learnt a few theories about break ups, there are a few results that come out of it…
- The Permanent Pity Party: The one who will mope, cry and wallow over the same situation for the next 8 to 10 years shouting “WHY ME” in her head, feel sorry for herself and indulge in pity parties till everyone around her is so tired of the whining that they leave too. Eventually she ends up alone, still shouting “WHY ME” to her 8 cats, 9 dogs and perhaps a parrot too. I do love animals, but I doubt they fill the void. (It sounds harsh I know, I am not mocking this type of person, I just fail to understand how this improves the quality of ones life and how can you do this for so long?) ANYWAY..
- The workaholic: You know it, the void gets filled with extra long working hours, I have done this too, work did help me get my mind off the situation, however, I have met women, who have thrown themselves so deep into their jobs, that years go by and they become socially paralysed i.e it’s difficult to hang out with them outside of working hours and they are simply impossible to work with! As a result of them putting all their time and energy into work, their only love becomes their career, they assume they know it all and in turn they become a night mare to work with. Healthy??? Only to a certain degree. Moving along…
- The quickie wedding: This woman, and I don’t know how she does it, but within the first 2 months of the break up, she’s with someone new, 6 months later; married, and then… you guessed it… babies and babies and more babies, Woohoo!!! – I have theories about this one too: Theory 01: She didn’t love the ex that much at all, you can’t just move on like that, come now, we’re human, we gotta feel the burn, it’s part of the ride. Theory 02: The relationship was unhealthy, for example, it was abusive, they weren’t good for each other, they were bringing each other down, not contributing to the growth of the partner etc. So when she meets the right one, and is being treated better she can just settle. When you know, you know! But still… Don’t just settle!
- The 12 Step Break up anonymous program (This one is me, I can’t say whether it’s healthy or not, but it’s worked for me and I feel I am in a great space… Bare in mind, it’s taken me 3 long years to get here, but may be quicker for others)….
- Step 01: Foetal Position – Before breaking the news of the break up to anyone, you crawl into a foetal position in the centre of your bed, hugging a pillow is optional, but helps. Then practically drown in your own tears. Honestly, it is a feeling that you think will never pass, a feeling you think will kill you and a period in life where you feel that there is no way life can happen without him, him being the amazing human that he is. Yes, I had a “Lame Phase” don’t judge!
- Step 02: The Pity Parties AKA Filling the GAP – Now we fake it till we make it, friends and family get the news, and the Pity parties begin, AAAAHHHHH, wine, Tequila, happy tears, sad tears, confessions to friends of how much you love them, telling them how you are so over it (even though, inside you are sinking and dying slowly) it’s part of the healing, just surrounding yourself with people who love and care for you. Wine is compulsory on the menu, I cannot stress that enough.
- Step 03: Angry Woman – So you have talked about it, drank over it, cried a lot, everyone is now bored of hearing about you and how happy-sad you are and now… You have to face your emotions. Anger is inevitable on this journey, you’re angry with yourself, angry with your ex, with everyone who said work it out, you’re even angry with the garden boys, the waiters, your cousins, your friends, you are just ANGRY!!! it still really doesn’t help you at all, but the first and easiest way to channel your emotions (for a short time) and before you know it, step 04 happens!
- Step 04: The new old beginning – The ex makes a come back… Drrrrummmm roll, Psychologically this is detrimental, you’re on the way to heal and life throws this curve ball, Phaaaa, take that woman, as if you haven’t gone through enough already! So now you have a few situations to deal with and some decisions to make. The easy way out: let’s work it out and go back to where it was, happy days tralalalalala. The angry friends: who can’t bare to see you hurt again, so they will not even hear of it! Like don’t even mention his name…and then your sweet sweet Swwwweeeeet Mum: she doesn’t want you to get hurt and wants you be happy, so she really tries to comfort you, but can’t really tell you what to do cuz you’re a ticking time bomb, see the anger phase has not quite worn off yet and generally the mums get the worst of it. Love you mum!
- Step 05: Introspect – So, either you’ve worked it out with him and are married already, or you’re with me at step 5, where you tried again and it didn’t work. Now the we’re on the verge of a break through. The question “Who am I” arises, and the best part is trying to figure “ME” out all over again. It’s the most selfish phase you will ever go through, because, you have been broken (Twice) and, you actually don’t care about anyone else but yourself, it’s freedom I tell you… and then we move to step 6.
- Step 06: Implementation – The fun starts now… Just become who you are after you’ve figured out who that person is and what she loves. Start doing the things you love, connect with like-minded friends, travel, read a good book, just walk out in the sun and appreciate it, basically, experience life from a completely different set of eyes…. When you know you have been broken so badly, you know nothing can shake you from now on and it just becomes the best adventure of your life!
- Step 07: The first “Post break up” kiss – The toughest to do, yet very necessary, you’ll see why, if you try it… Took me one whole year to try it, but hey good times!
- Step 08: Lonely, distant Phase – Realising that, even though you are on an amazing journey, you still feel empty! It takes time to get used to this. Those days of, memories coming back, happens, the “What if we tried it again, just one more time” question comes back, you drift away from friends because you feel like being by yourself and focussing on your own thoughts, still figuring yourself out…it’s allowed.
- Step 09: Forgiveness – For me this was the most powerful step of them all, the final step in getting over the ex was forgiving him as well as myself for everything we have put each other through. It’s overrated, but so so so powerful, it takes a lot out of you, but once you’ve done it, a weight gets lifted off you, like magic! Note: This happens naturally and only when you are ready. It won’t happen if you are still in the angry phase.
- Step 10: – The dating game begins – You now know what you want, you know who you are and you are so comfortable with being by yourself, that dating becomes something you’re more open to, because hey, you’ve got nothing to lose and meeting new people is always a good thing right?
- Step 11: Dead ends – As much as we’re independent women now… We still want that happy ending right? But let me tell you, going on dates is the most fun thing you can do with your time as a single women, it does get tiring but, the characters you meet, the conversations you have, the nerves before the first date you ever go on, the actual date, then the girls night after that explaining word for word how that date went over a glass of wine…priceless moments!!!! I call this dead ends because sometimes as woman, we expect too much, so I have learnt to always meet someone and have absolutely no expectations at all, and because I have studied myself properly, after a first date, I can tell “It’s on”, or “Sorry guy it ain’t happening for me”, as lovely as the person is, as much fun as you’ve had, you kinda know what you’re looking for and won’t waste a second of yours or his by agreeing to a second date.
- Step 12: Meeting someone who makes you forget that your heart was ever broken (Yes it is possible)… Doesn’t mean that you are seeing someone new, or dating him. You have just met someone who has, within weeks, knocked your socks off and turned your world completely upside down, it reaffirms you that your heart is so capable to start all over again, accepting all the positives and negatives that comes with new relationships, hesitant to the disappointment that could arise, but it’s ok, just the affirmation that it is possible again, is enough for me…. For now!