I asked “What are you afraid of?”
He said “Nothing…”
I asked “Not even losing someone you love?”
He said “No, you can’t control that, so there’s no point of being afraid, you just have to deal.”
~ A conversation with a new friend.
I have never understood phobia, I bare witness to people who get petrified when seeing something they have a phobia of, not a normal kind of fear, it’s a fear that leaves a person trembling, terror-struck and sometimes brings them to tears.
On a physical level I have no phobia’s, and if I do have any, I am yet to find out.
Because I have loved, I have lost, I have experienced and I have seen, I know what is, what was and I am not afraid of what can be….
It is the fear of the unknown and of losing control of what is, which changes the what can be, that freaks me out.
Having a conversation with a colleague a few days ago, has made me aware of this fear. The conversation was not with someone who I had just met, it is a person with whom I have worked with for some time, we have developed an amicable friendship in that time, and consequently we have a pretty good understanding of each others characters. He told me to lose control, he said that currently I am too much in control of everything and that I shouldn’t be afraid to just let lose.
You know, sometimes, it takes a person from the outside to create an awareness within you, so that you can use it to create a tilt in your life. I thought about this for a bit and you know what, he is right to a certain extent, because this is who I am…
I am that person who, at this point in time, needs everything to be in order. I need to know that my sister is safe and that my mum is ok. I need to ensure that when I leave home in the morning, everything is in its place (unless I am really late), when I am watching tv, I cannot concentrate if anything is out of place, I work with a piece of tissue over my mouse, because I don’t trust other hands that use it and I happen to wash my hands many times in a day.
I have been going on like this for some time, and I didn’t think it’s detrimental to my existence, until I typed the paragraph above, I now feel like a bit of a freak!
I must admit, that I am much calmer since moving into my own space, for once I have an entire space that belongs to me, I can put anything, anywhere, based on a mandate created by me, I tell you it is freedom on another level.
Freedom: To some it means living the life, uncontrolled, leaving things in a mess and calling it ones own “organised chaos”, but to me, freedom is, knowing that I am free to be who I am, in my own space and not having to explain this to anyone.
When I say that I am not afraid of what can be, it is because I may fear the unknown, but I am sure as hell not afraid to push boundary’s, to get out of my comfort zones and when I have an idea in my head, there is absolutely nothing that can stop me from getting it done and it will be a success… That is who I am!
Having explained all of this, we do know that every action has a consequence, my OCD is a consequence of a life that I had lived for about 2 years in my youth, a life that was downright off on some other tangent, which till today I understand, but cannot explain, and it wasn’t pleasant.
So yes I am particular about certain things in my life, but no it isn’t a problem, because I understand where it comes from and once you have an awareness of who you are, what you want and you’re having a dam good time on the way there, washing your hands 10 times a day is just one silly habit and a very tiny part of the bigger picture.