Un edited from the heart

After being in tears for literally 24 hours non, no meditation, satsung, or friend could talk me out of this, I decided that writing it all out may be the last resort.

Not sure why I am having such a low low, I have high’d and low’s generally, as any human does, but since yesterday morning, I have struggled to hold back the tears and as I sit here today, they still have not stopped.

I think I have once again lost myself, I don’t know where I am going again, I feel alone I feel empty and unfulfilled, I have not accomplished any of the goals I had 3 years ago and I feel stuck.

I hold a lot of what I feel inside me and don’t bother the people around me with what I am going through, but I am afraid it’s once again piled up, I am oozing out with tears of frustration, sadness and I can’t think of anyone or anything that can make me feel better. I think I am depressed, I think I have held onto my stresses internally for too long and now I am boiling over uncontrollably and I am unable to make it stop.

I hope it passes soon.

Love yourself first

As a child I never knew happiness.

As a teen I lived in survival mode.

As a young adult I thought I had found happiness, but it was in all the “wrong” things, people and places.

Now I am at peace.

In the last few years I have finally met this happiness thing that people have been telling me about.

How, Where?

It’s inside me…

I’ve learnt the hard way, that, true Love, happiness, contentment and peace cannot be found in a car, or relationships, in a job, with friends, or in these activities that we keep ourselves so busy with, yes it’s fun, it’s exciting, we must keep doing them, live our best life on this beautiful planet, we’ve been placed here to have some fun (not destroy), but there’s a peace and joy that Can be found in meditation, that cannot compare to any of this.

True happiness is not in things outside, it’s in the self, but for us to get there, we need to go quiet, go within and actually meet ourself and get to know who you actually are… it takes some work, self acceptance, loads of self love and once we’re comfortable, confident and happy with who we are, once we’ve felt the love and joy inside and understand that, that is our true nature, somehow everything else that’s troubling/ exciting us on the outside feels a little trivial… It does take some work to get there though

#gowithin#meditation#happinessisinyou#loveyourselffirst

Influencers…

What has got me a little troubled these days, is the ability of other humans to influence our mind, or rather, how WE allow others to influence the state of our mind!!!

As I dug deep spiritually this year, I have found myself teaching meditation workshops where I consistently tell people about how our minds only clings to the negative, how we are given so many compliments, yet one insult triggers our mind so badly, that we lose so much of sleep to a point that we become mentally unhealthy. I teach this on a weekly basis, I make it sound so easy, yet I thoroughly understand how tough it is to overcome the mind and ignore the negativity that oozes out of some people. It’s like a tiny crack on a cement floor with a little waterfall oozing out of it, and instead of turning a blind eye, we pick at it and pick at it, so much so, that the little waterfall becomes so immense and we end up drowning in this tsunami with no knowledge of how to get out! Sadly this is how the human mind works!

We need to become so mentally strong, that we can effortlessly walk away from that tiny waterfall, just let it be instead of drowning in a sea of depression and anxiety that follows this, because honestly, when it comes to mental health, most of us are yet to learn how to survive that tsunami!

What inspired me to write today are 2 words that I heard in a series that I have just watched, “FUCK FEAR” and it got me thinking again (oops 😉 … You could be hit by a truck tomorrow, and all the fears that you carry today, be it money, love, relationships, career choices, hurting your ego, and the monster of them all “the negative influencers” of our minds i.e humans, all of this won’t matter anymore!!!

So really, Fuck fear and go do what you love, follow your gut, be free, be bold be daring, stop allowing outside influencers to control your mind and actions, rather go within, listen to your inner voice and let your light shine bright, because who knows, you may NOT be hit by a truck and your bold moves could make you that Million Dollars, it could get you the love of your life or even move you to places beyond your wildest expectations!

It’s a risk worth taking I’d Say!

Speak your dreams into existence!!!

My Prayer for tonight…

I feel inspired to write again today after 2 loooong years!

I am going to jump right in, no editing, just from the heart…

As I go to bed tonight, my prayer is “Please god,  just let me wake up early enough, to join the 7am meditation session.”

This is a really big deal for me! It is a big deal for me because, if you know my story, you’ll know that, from my very first memories, until now, my life has played out with chapters and chapters and CHAPTERS of tough times, tears, heart break, and thankfully many victorious come backs. This is just the game that life has dealt me, and I have spent all my years learning how to play.

I am writing again tonight, because, I have once again made a victorious come back, my smile has been back for a while, my heart is full, I am exploding with so much love, that I need to channel it somewhere.

It takes a lot of hard work to reach this place of contentment. It takes a lot of self work to get to a point of, waking up in the morning with an insane amount of strength to take on the day with a genuine smile on your face, and I know in this ever changing world, things will not stay this way, it’ll get tough again and then easy and that’s how the cycle of life goes. So, I am going to take this period of happiness that I am in, and embrace it, because you never know when life will happen to you again.

I am not writing to brag to you all, about the fact that I am happy and content in life, NO! I am writing to anyone out there, who is going through the most, I just want to say to you that THINGS WILL CHANGE, no sad time lasts forever, no tough time lasts forever, IT REALLY ALWAYS CHANGES. So if you are going through rough time and feel like crying, then give those tears 100% and let it out, because let me tell you, if you allow yourself to feel your own pain 100%, you’ll come out stronger than you have ever been in your entire life…

In order to get out of the fire you have to walk through it… and then one night, to your surprise, your only request to god, is that you wake up early enough the next day to meditate, simple!  😇

Love and blessings to all!

This one in Particular!

Inspiration hasn’t kicked in to write for some time now, and by that I mean… Life has been great, I have been working, dating, spending time with friends, reading, lost 1 kg *YAY* and in the process of that, still trying to maintain who I am, while having a partner/boyfriend/person. I don’t know what to call this, I am 32 going on 33, I feel a tad old using the word “Boyfriend”, the lesbian and gay folk have unofficially, copy-written the word “Partner” so we are now using the term “My Person”

So having a “Person” in your 30’s…. RIGHT!

• If I say that dating in your 30’s is the same butterflies and tickles as it was in high school or your first love, anyone who has gone through this, would tell you that I am talking smack… It ain’t easy, dare I say… WE ARE OLD PEOPLE DATING NOW, we are sitting on the couch, pulling each others grey hair out, I kid you not, this is a part of our reality, mind you, we have been single for a long time before, so we can party together like homies too!
• What also comes with this package is, we are set in our ways now, and when 2 people who have been single for a long time, come together and try to be each others “PERSON”, let me tell you, it IS a walk in the park… a crazy, rough, exciting, yet terrifying theme park. You don’t know what to expect as you move through the rides one step at a time, there are times where you are shitting yourself and want to get out, there are those familiar roller coasters that present itself, which you know you won’t step on again, and then some new and improved ones, where you have the most epic adventure and never want it to end, there is never an in-between, it’s either absoluckenfruitly amazing, or it is a rollercoaster that will make you feel like throwing up at the end of the day.

So as women, once we hit 30 and are still single, we have somehow all “found ourselves” We preach a few things as we go on dates in search of “The One” unsure if he actually exists…

1. We do not take nonsense from a man.
2. We know who we are.
3. We know what we want.
4. Most importantly we are 100% aware of what we DO NOT want.

If you have not reached this point as yet in your 30’s… Ladies you need to do some soul-searching and figure that s*!t out!

Back to Business, if we have been single for a while, we have built this independent image for ourselves, like “OMAAAGAAAAAD, I have travelled, I have my own place, I am doing what I love, found spirituality, blah blah blah.” We become confident, cocky, cows and it’s not entirely our fault; we can blame what life has put us through, to have become all those C words as we don’t want to be broken again right?

However….this confident, independent women that we have made ourselves up to be, results in us being single for a little longer. We  become intimidating to men, no man wants a woman who is hard work and full of nonsense, we have to be at least a tiny bit malleable when it comes to dating… Now don’t go lose yourself after all that hard work you have put into building that person, just don’t be an asshole, because… I have come to realise that, men who have been single for that long, also have a line which they won’t allow us to cross, they will not stand for certain things that we throw at them, it is the same concept, of knowing who they are in their 30’s, as they too, have had their fair share of crap dealt to them.

I have also come to understand, that being single, is in fact a comfort zone, those girls nights, the solo travels, the house parties, the first dates, the freedom to flirt, disappearing into work for days because there are no other commitments; those times were all great, yet it is a comfort zone.

We keep busy, doing a lot of things, to put ourselves out there to meet people, yet we stay in the single-life comfort zone, as it is a shield that protects us; it is easier to be single than to allow yourself to be vulnerable and open to an individual who could break you once again within a matter of seconds…. Ahem, guys do this too!

Now, stepping out of that zone, is a huge risk to take in life, you open yourself up to a whole lot of new love and intense pain at the same time. In my 30’s, with the lessons that life has already dealt me, I can assure you, nothing really lasts forever, so when you do step out of the single-life comfort zone, and enter into a new chapter, make sure that you have picked a particular person, who is worth the love and pain combo!

It is that simple!

2018 – New Cycle, New Strength, New Lessons…

I went into the new year in a great space, my mind clear, in total control of  my life, confident again, loving who I am, fitness levels up and ready to smash 2018… But ALAS… life shall throw you off as soon as you hit a level of comfort.

A new lesson has presented itself recently, and now it isn’t all about “ME” anymore, if you have read any of my previous blog posts, you’d notice that it encapsulates a pile of lessons under a chapter that most can relate to i.e FINDING MYSELF; getting to know who I am and loving that person, solo travels, losing weight (still trying), the big process of eliminating toxic people, the lesson of PATIENCE and at the last one was, dropping ego and loving people, regardless of whether that was reciprocated. A wonderful journey it has been, new friendships were born and old ones still cherished…

This year however, with all the strength that I have built, with all the confidence I have attained and with all the awareness that I have learnt through spirituality, a new phase has snuck in.

I touched down into Johannesburg from a Cape Town vacation, only to find a long line of strong, opinionated, asshole type of humans which life has tactfully arranged to throw at me. I now find myself, on a daily basis, hiding, running and ducking out of situations, leaving me annoyed and exhausted at the end of most days.

As I embark on a new chapter of finally getting my production company off the ground, I understand, that life is strengthening me, by placing me in scenarios, where, if I walk away, I miss an opportunity, however if I am a little more stubborn, determined, yet still humble, I tend to come out a winner.

Judging from my life pattern, I cannot run away from this lesson, because if I do, these type of humans are going to pop up at every corner until I build up the sufficient amount of confidence, bring out that big girl voice, and communicate where I stand and what I want… In other words, fight off assholes by becoming one too!

A FEW LESSONS FROM 2018 SO FAR:

• If you find yourself in the same cycle over and over again, it is because the lesson you are meant to learn hasn’t been learnt as yet, if you want to change the cycle,you have to change your approach to certain things, learn the lesson so you can either progress or move on without having wasted too much time in the same cycle.
• When you get too comfortable and life starts pushing you, don’t fight it, ride the wave and discover what is on the other side of the ocean, it’s happening for a reason.
• It is important to be open and honest about what you want in life, be it, friendship, at work and especially in business, because if you do not communicate, you will never get results… Whether the outcome of this is positive or negative, is a whole other ball game, but honesty to oneself and to the people close to you is an imperative trait in aiding you to make better decisions.
• Step out of a situation and ask yourself: Is this worth fighting for. Choose your battles wisely, no need to fight for every single thing, sometimes, after you give a 100% with no positive result, it’s ok to walk away with peace of mind knowing that, from your side, you did your best.

❤️My 2 pennies worth on Love ❤️

I had edited something recently where this piece of advise was given…

“Fall in love as many times as possible”

Then today this knowledge popped up…

This makes love sound a little less scary for me, it got me thinking;

It’s just a 4 letter word, yet it carries so much weight. It can make or break a person, it holds this power that can transform a completely sane human being into an irrational lubber-head, it can bring happiness, yet turn your entire world upside down, unaffected by time, it happens either within a second or over many many years.

Some who feel it, are sort of hypnotized into doing things they wouldn’t ordinarily do, thinking in ways they have never thought, looking at the world with a new pair of eyes, and in doing this, they could either be becoming the best version of themselves or lose themselves as they dive into this unknown ocean.

Can we really trust this ocean? How deep is it? Are the waves calm? When the tide is high and it throws you out, is it worth jumping back in? It is an emotion many don’t trust, and those who have been punished by it, are too scared to dive back into this chaos.

So; based on my own experiences…

I try best to see the lesson in every obstacle and epic moment that presents itself. As I re read my previous blog posts I can see growth, I see the stepping stones and life lessons, the newest on my lesson list is detachment, which seems to be flowing into a chapter of embracing the joy of love instead of focusing on how much it once broke me.

This brings about 3 new realizations; and I speak not only of romantic relationships, this includes family, friends, your passion in life etc…

1. Love and detachment MUST coexist

If you love something or someone, try best not to allow it to take over your entire life. Balance the thing/person you love with other things, like a hobby, new friends, family etc, so that there is a variety in your life, where you aren’t always obsessing or attached to one person or thing, in this way relationships don’t become boring and monotonous and you don’t find a need to attach yourself to a human, a thing or an activity…

Do not misinterpret the above:

Commitment and attachment are totally different, you can commit without being attached.

2. Love WORKS with acceptance and CANNOT WORK with expectation

This is difficult. Everyone defines love differently, if love for one is saying “I love you” and love for another is rather expressing it through action, we should learn to accept this and not EXPECT the next person to change their ways to to live up to what we define Love to be… easier said then done.

Also, learn to love without expecting the feeling to be reciprocated, we block out a lot of people because our ego won’t allow us to be ok with the fact that feelings aren’t mutual. Not everyone can love everyone and it’s a great emotional achievement to be able to love unconditionally, to be free enough to express it and not expect anything in return.

3. Trust, Relax and have faith

Be free, don’t overthink, listen to your heart, if it feels right, it can’t be wrong, if it was sent to you, there’s a lesson or a blessing in it. Be open to the experience but be strong enough to handle the outcome… I include faith in this because, from what I have learnt over the years, that in all religious/spiritual practise, love seems to be the common thread binds us all.

Shackles of our EGO and my understanding of Love ❤️

You know, the biggest disease in today’s world is “What will people think.”

“Don’t be a football of other people’s opinions. Don’t worry about what others think about you. In fact, nobody has time to think about you” ~ Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

I have been misguided by my own thoughts, I have always blamed society for moulding me to care about what everyone thinks of me, of my actions, my weight, my intelligence…. My entire life!

Truth is, as I have transitioned from how I was raised into adulthood, I have come to realize and accept that, it is nothing other than my own ego that has stopped me from doing whatever makes me happy because of “Who is watching.”

Life is way to short to follow the masses…We may not open our eyes tomorrow, so…

When you hear the music, and deep within your core, all you want to do is dance; get out there and do it… NO MATTER WHO IS WATCHING!

When your heart is heavy, and your spirit needs to reset; cry with all your given strength until your eyes are dry… NO MATTER WHO IS WATCHING!

If something doesn’t sit right in your soul; make an effort to correct it… NO MATTER WHO IS WATCHING!

Don’t be afraid to shower Love onto anyone that you connect with… NO MATTER WHO IS WATCHING!

Love is a scary thing, it is a rose, delicate, yet the thorns can cause your soul to bleed.

We box it into dofferent levels of love; the love for our family, love for our children, for our partners, but I have recently learnt that love is not meant to be boxed. It is a common emotion that we all feel, a universal language and something that is not meant to be controlled, yet we are so caught up with our own ego, our mind and an “intelligence” which forces us to control it. It is unnatural to control this, it’s not meant to be controlled.

Love has no status or boundary, you can love the one who begs at the corner of the street, you can fall in love with a person just from a quick glance in their eyes, you can love your best friend of the opposite sex, with a pure love and no feeling of lust, love for God, love for nature for animals… the list is endless!

As I said “IT IS THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE” If we would just drop the brick wall that we’ve built in front of us and open ourselves up to the pain and joy of it, we would experience the true power of it all!

Take care of you, do what makes you happy,  you do not always need to do what others expect of you, because at the end Of the day, when you lay to rest, you are left alone with your mind, not the minds of those who we think are watching us, just you and your mind, and as an adult, we have a say in how peaceful that mind is at the end of everyday. ❤️

31 Years at “The University of Life”

People sometimes think I am crazy, when I speak of having a strong faith, or how spirituality trumps religion any day, but if you walk a day in my shoes, you’ll be amazed at how a little prayer here and there, an unbreakable faith and good intentions makes life just fall into place so beautifully…

A few lessons I have learnt (the hard way)

• Your life is like a film, everyone is watching, there are people who will love it, people who will hate it, and those who watch with a critical eye, waiting for you to do something wrong, so that they can give your film a bad rating… So live it, no matter who is watching!

• Be good and humble with all those around you, regardless of whether they reciprocate that.

• Never allow exterior situations destroy your inner peace.

• The People you surround yourself with play a critical role in your state of mind, keep those, who impact your life positively close by and walk away from those who bring your energy down. Don’t be afraid to drop friends and leave situations that don’t add value to your life. 

• Learn to love being by yourself, if you are content in your own space, you are indestructible anywhere else.

• Drop your ego; Apologise when you need to, whether you are forgiven or not does not matter, you do your part, the rest is up to the other person and their mindset

• It is tough to always do the right thing in life, sometimes we don’t know what is right, but in all your actions, never put someone else through something that you wouldn’t want to go through… Karma is a scary thing, it shall come back ten times worse… don’t risk it.

• Time is valuable, never waste it, work hard, but balance with some rest

• L❤️VE unconditionally!

And most important...

• Be grateful for all that you have been blessed with, and use your blessings to help others who aren’t as fortunate as you may be…

So that, my friends, have been my lessons after 31 years of trying to figure out this life thing!

Who knows how much more I need to learn before I complete this life cycle! 💝 

What would Hassie masa have done?

Memories on Facebook today took me to this…

Exactly 8 days after my mum called and said “Deepa is outside and daddy won’t open the door”

There’s this thing that happens when you lose a parent, you just know it’s happened before they give you “The News”, a part of you becomes hollow, it’s a feeling in your heart where you can physically feel a part of who you are is gone, and it’s true, the three of us are completely different people since that day.

I Don’t remember much else about that time, but 7 years later, we are happy, the empty is still empty yet the memory runs so strong….

What would daddy have said if he saw this?

Do you remember when Hassie Masa played this song every single day as he drove us to tuition?

He would have been so angry if he saw this…

… every single days goes by this way, we live vicariously through our memory and through the stories everyone tells as they remember him.

So how will it ever be normal again?

It never will, but we lived through the storm and learnt to dance in the rain 🙂

A tribute to a man who taught me how to pour a beer with perfection, who worked hard at making it right again when it was all wrong, and who, even after leaving us, still teaches me my lessons through the little things he’s left behind and the memories that makes us happy, sad and laugh a lot.

Love him always ❤️